A couple of notes about this piece: First, it is experimental satire. Second, it is intended to be read as a brochure. With thanks to Rowan, it appears as a brochure below in jpeg format (just imagine it printed front and back and then folded). Click on each image to enlarge. If the font is too tiny or you’re reading this from a mobile device, scroll down for the plain text version. Special thanks to my collaborators–Rowan, Silver Leaf, and Genna–for their sharp edits and suggestions. I was fortunate to work with these three generous souls through Yeah Write‘s “Silver Lounge Workshop” this summer.
You’re Getting Married!
Tips from Vanguard Patriarch Ministries on Being a Wife
Congratulations! When you walk down the aisle at Vanguard Patriarch Ministries, you will embrace a return to God’s love that places your Husband at the center of your household. You will be freed from all the daily decision-making; your Husband knows best what plans God has for your home. Your purpose in life, as we celebrate daily in our Church, is to raise a new army of believers—a quiver full of arrows—who will lead our Church in spiritual warfare.
As your new Husband carries you across the threshold and you awaken from your former lost, corrupt and lonely life to become a loving and deferential wife, here are some helpful tips to consider:
- Your body now belongs to God and your Husband. Ideally, you’ll come into your marriage a virgin. However, if you are recently born-again to Vanguard Patriarch Ministries we realize you probably engaged in fornication in your former life, so we remind you to throw out the contraceptives! Only God can determine when your womb opens and closes. And an open womb is a happy womb.
- Your Husband’s opinions, plans, household rules, and decisions are always right. Support him in whatever he says, no matter how you feel inside. Ask for God’s help if you feel yourself questioning your Husband. When in public, smile and say something encouraging when your husband speaks, although it is best to be silent.
- Your Husband knows best what you need. You may not realize how selfish you sound when you beg for ice cream, chocolate, or “your own space” in your Husband’s house, especially when your Husband is working all day for your benefit. Put another way, your Husband and God provide for you so that you may selflessly devote yourself to your family.
- Be fastidious and well mannered. It is a shame that “feminism” has prevented so many of our young women from polishing their manners in charm school, but the good news is that Vanguard Patriarch Ministries is planning a series of charm-school workshops, just for women like you!
- Know your enemy: feminists. Also: Liberals. Democrats. Miss Piggy. Massachusetts. If you must use the Internet, we encourage you to spread this message. For example, you can join thousands of women who have rightfully rejected feminism. Just post a picture of yourself with a sign saying why you don’t need feminism. Then post it here: http://womenagainstfeminism.tumblr.com/ One of our favorites: “Adam was born first!”
- Defer to your Husband on all political, financial, educational, societal, animal, vegetable, mineral, and church matters. If your Husband permits you to vote in political elections, be sure to fill out your ballot as he instructs, or better yet, simply sign the ballot he or your minister fills out for you! Do not respond to pollsters who call your house in the middle of the day. Do not sign petitions.
- Your place is in the home and the home belongs to your Husband. We’re not talking about keeping you “barefoot and pregnant” – no wife should walk around the house barefoot. It is slatternly and reflects badly on your Husband should he decide to bring a guest home to meet the children.
- “Be fruitful and multiply. Pregnancy is your gift to the Church.” That’s our motto. You are raising up an army of Christian soldiers who will one day take our country back. The more children we produce, the sooner we will return to a demographic majority and a God-centered constitution.
- Homeschool is how you train your army of little soldiers. Each morning after you don a snappy housecoat, iron your Husband’s shirt, take out the trash, fetch the newspaper, and make breakfast, you should gather your children around for reading, writing, arithmetic, and Bible studies unhampered by diversity or socialist state curriculum requirements. Vanguard Patriarch Ministries has an approved K-12 curriculum, and complementary textbooks.
- Develop a practical beauty routine. Being pregnant at all times will give your skin a healthy maternal glow. For those times in between pregnancies, the Vanguard Patriarch Ministries has a new line of conservative cosmetics: Vanguard for Her. All proceeds benefit the church.
- Cleanliness is godliness. Need we say more?
- Before your Husband returns home from work, make sure you have completed all of the tasks he assigned for the day. Then plan a nutritious, righteous meal and change into something more feminine, like a fetching shift and a pair of flattering pumps. A woman should not wear clothes designed for a man. Freshen up your makeup with Vanguard for Her.
- Show your Husband that you respect him by submitting to his leadership, especially in public. Submission may seem hard at first. Just remember that this is God’s way of settling conflict: He created women to be helpmates. Smile and place your hand in his as you walk together. If you feel there is nothing to respect, ask yourself what you’re doing wrong.
- Finally, before your wedding day, consider burning your books, especially the poetry, but keep this one line from Adrienne Rich’s “Snapshots of a Daughter-in-Law” in your head: She shaves her legs until they gleam / like petrified mammoth-tusk. It will inspire you in days to come.
Good luck, young bride-to-be!